If you’ve met me at least once, you can stop right here. You’ve heard this story before. If not, I am going to regale you with how I won my 2012 Fantasy Football Championship.
First, I am proof positive that you don’t need to have concrete knowledge to win. Fantasy Football is like being an American, you don’t need actual knowledge to have an opinion.
Now, I will share my three-pronged winning strategy.
First, I picked felons. When felons weren’t available, I settled for any and all criminal offenses. This strategy was inspired by my friend Dan who told me that he was going to stop picking the good guys that everyone loves because they often did horribly. He told me that he was going to pick the criminals the next year. This seemed like a sound strategy because people who rack up DUIs aren’t likely to be team players. They are out for themselves and thus, are more likely to rack up points. I found a list of football players with criminal recent criminal offenses.
Then I picked good-looking players. Sure, this might seem like your typical female that doesn’t understand football approach. But it’s a fact that everyone likes attractive people more. They earn more, they get promoted faster and they’re more likable. It just seems that people would throw the ball more to them. So I chose players from Cosmo’s hottest player list.
Finally, I picked Pro Bowlers. This just makes sense and tells you who the best players are without having to watch any of the games.
The trifecta for this was Adrian Peterson who managed to have been arrested for resisting arrest, be attractive and a ProBowler. Fantasy GOLD, right there.
(my original picture wasn’t even of Adrien. Amazing)
Another tip: pick a kicker early in the draft, way before your WR* and RBs are filled because you’ll get the best kicker. As an Irish fan, I contend that it’s important to have a good kicker because if you’re offense (and defense) failed you, at least the kicker hopefully came through.
And thus, my team “Tom Brady and the Felons” was born.
This was pretty awesome because I got to trash talk at work via email using lines like this:
I’ve already picked how I’ll spend my earnings…
And every single time I use them, I’ll think about how <redacted> lost to a woman who chose her players based on Cosmo’s hottest football players list.
Elaine is in the building.
As for the 2013 season? I don’t want to Taco about it. But I definitely have my eye on Johnny Manziel for 2015.
*I still can’t remember what WR stands for or really what they do. You don’t need to know shit to play.